Yoga & Grief Support Blog, Tips

Savasana Versus Sleep

7/16/2018

Savasana is a pose of conscious relaxation. Although many people fall asleep while practicing savasana, that is not the aim of this pose. In Light on Pranayama, B.K.S Iyengar says, “Some call it the Eternal Now, beyond space and time. Others call it the soul becoming one with the Creator. This can be experienced in perfect savasana when the body is at rest as in deep sleep, the senses as in a dream but the intellect alert and aware.”

Savasana is a restful pose, and the outcome of it is recuperation and rejuvenation. Sleep, however is not always restful, and it's possible to even wake from sleep and not feel rejuvenated. Why is this?

Studies have been done that measure the brainwave activity of those people who practice conscious relaxation and found that alpha waves (slow brain waves) increase in intensity and frequency during the practice. Interestingly, in similar studies done on sleep, these alpha waves are not commonly found during sleep, or aren't an overarching and ever-present component of sleep. During sleep, the brainwave pattern changes depending on the depth and stage of sleep. Further, sleep can be un-restful due to insomnia, vivid and disturbing dreams, frequent waking etcetera, etcetera.

With meditation and conscious relaxation however, the brain kind of downshifts to an idle, the alpha state, where sensory input is less, awareness is internal, and the brain is in a state of non-arousal. Alpha brainwaves are the resting state of the brain, and aid in contemplation, reflection, mental coordination, calmness, mind/body integration, learning and creativity.

Practicing meditation and savasana nurture the alpha state. With regular practice, the practitioner to more easily and readily achieves the alpha state. Studies have also shown that practices that employ alpha brainwave activity may have a regulatory role on sleep, meaning that people who practice conscious relaxation and meditation, sleep more deeply and more restfully when it's time to sleep.

As I've said before, savasana isn't about sleeping...but so often, people do fall asleep in savasana. If you aren't getting enough sleep, or enough restful sleep, falling asleep in savasana would make sense. My yoga teacher used to say, "if you fall asleep, you need the sleep." So true.

Sleep obviously has it's benefits: physical recovery, cognitive organization, improved ability to concentrate and learn, memory, and mood regulation to name a few. But, as the buddhist saying goes: "If you walk, just walk. If you sit, just sit; but whatever you do, don't wobble" - when it's time to sleep, sleep well and when it's time to relax, relax well.

As I've mentioned before, savasana is a practice. If you find you are falling asleep, try shortening the time you are in savasana. Decrease it from 10 minutes to 5 minutes to work on developing the ability of the mind to stay focused and alert without falling asleep.

The more you can train your body to be still, and your mind to downshift and idle in a relaxed state, the more easily and often you will stimulate the relaxation response, thereby making it more accessible. Overtime, your ability to stay consciously relaxed in savasana will improve, and perhaps your ability to sleep deeply at bedtime will improve as well.

Restfully yours,

Sandy

0 Comments

Savasana: Tips and Techniques

7/9/2018

0 Comments

"First, learn to achieve the silence of the body. Then control the subtle movements of the breath. Next learn about the silence of the mind and the emotions and then of the intellect. From there proceed to learn and study about the silence of the Self. It is not until then that the ego or small self (ahamkara) of the practitioner can merge with his self (Atman). The fluctuations of the mind and the intellect cease, the 'I' or ego disappears and Savasana provides an experience of unalloyed bliss." - Light on Pranayama, page 233

I was in a class once, and at the end, the teacher announced it was time for savasana. She invited us all to stay in savasana for as long or as short as we would like, and then walked out of the room. The only direction she gave, was to be quiet as you were cleaning up your mat. Could you imagine doing this for any other pose in a yoga class? This story highlights the lack of attention given to savasana. Just like any other pose in yoga, savasana deserves attention. In this post, I'll go into more detail about how to do savasana, which then, you can continue to practice. (See my last post about how savasana is a practice).

Time and place

Pick anytime of day to do savasana. The quiet hours of the day work well, but really, it can be done anytime as a stand alone practice. I always think of a friend of mine who practiced savasana alone for a year and a half after an important person in her life died. If you are in class, try practicing savasana at the start, and/or in between poses
Set a timer for 10 minutes. Choose a soft and gentle sound to ring at the end. You do not want to startle yourself out of savasana. Coming out of it quietly and calmly is an important part of the practice.
Choose a stable surface that supports your body evenly. If your floor is hard, use your yoga mat for a little bit of cushion. Avoid doing savasana on a surface that your body sinks into and is supported unevenly (couch or soft bed).

First learn to silence the body

Sit in the middle of your mat with your knees bent. Imagine a line running the length of your mat, in the exact centre. Use this imaginary line to lay down in a way that is balanced and straight. Gradually lower yourself down, onto this imaginary line, vertebra by vertebra, until you are on your back with your knees bent.
Lengthen the lower back by using your hands to move the flesh from the back of your waist towards your lower back.
Extend your legs one at a time, keeping the feet, ankles, knees and thighs joined on that centre line. Ensure that the centre line of your head is also aligned in the centre of your mat, so the chin, nose and space between the eyebrows are all straight and in alignment with the breast bone. (This is where a teacher can be so helpful - to see if the body is straight).
If your head does not rest comfortably on the floor, use a small pillow under the head or a small roll behind the nape of the neck.
Make sure you feel balanced: that there is equal weight on the back of each side of the pelvis (often times people lean to one side), each shoulder blade, and that the ears, eyes, hips bones, are all parallel to the floor (you are not tilted to one side).
The feet: Let the feet fall outward evenly, so the pinky toe moves towards the floor. This should not be a forced action, but one of release. If your legs do not settle, you can try widening them away from the centre line, albeit evenly to maintain symmetry in your body. If they still can't rest, you could try a rolled blanket behind the knees or some weight on the upper thighs - a stack of blankets works well, or you could even get a yoga sandbag.
The arms and hands: Think of spreading the arms apart, right from the shoulders, into an A-frame position beside your body. Palms face up. Release tension from the palms, and fingers. Using a sandbag on the palms can be a nice way to help the hands relax.
Relax the back of the body so it feels like it's sinking into the floor. Then, relax the front of the body. The organs in the pelvis and abdomen, the heart and lungs, and the throat - the areas of vulnerability and emotion. Then relax the neck and head.
Practice using props and supports to ensure your body is comfortable and well supported. Relaxing the physical body is a prerequisite to relaxing the mind.

Then, the senses (This is the fifth of the eight limbs of yoga - pratyahara - turning the senses inward).

The eyes: "Treat the eyes gently like petals of a flower" (page 248). Soften your gaze and then softly close the eye lids. Turn your soft gaze inward, looking within yourself. The eyes are passive. Some people like using a very light eye pillow or head wrap.
The ears: The ears are quiet and receptive.
The Tongue: Soften the root of the tongue and let it rest on the floor of your mouth.
The skin: "In savasana the muscles relax and the pores of the skin shrink and the relevant nerves are at rest" (page 248).

Then control the subtle movements of the breath

Inhale normally, and make the exhale soft, deep and long, which helps to quiet the nervous system and mind. Once quietness is achieved, let the breath flow without any control or manipulation. Let it be natural, soft and quiet. "When the art of exhalation is perfected, one feels as if the breath is oozing from the pores of the skin on the chest, which is a sign of perfect relaxation" (page 249).

Then the mind, emotion and intellect

"Like darting movements of a fish in the water of a pond are the movements of the mind and intellect" (page 250). In savasana, it is normal for the mind and thoughts to fluctuate.
Notice how activity in the mind can create tension in the body, and how tension in the body can create activity in the mind. By keeping the body and senses at rest, the activity in the mind will gradually settle.
Practice having a single-point of focus for the mind - perhaps the breath, or a mantra. This will help you become more aware of extraneous thinking or daydreaming because you will notice when your mind is not focused any longer. Over time you will develop clarity and alertness in your intellect without racing and distracting thoughts.
Eventually, even this effort subsides. "Then the mind, free from fluctuations, dissolves and merges in the self, like a river in the sea," and the practitioner "reaches a new positive state...which is pure being" (page 250 and 251 respectively).

Coming out of savasana

When your chime chimes, take your time coming out of your pose. Coming out of such a passive state should not be rushed. Notice how normal activity slowly creeps back in. Gradually open your eyes, keeping your gaze soft. Roll to one side in the fetal position and stay here for a while - a minute or two. In Light on Pranayama, Iyengar says, to then take the fetal position on the other side as well, thereby minimizing strain when you sit up. When it's time to sit up, use your hands to raise your body and keep your head relaxed.

Taking it off the mat

An important piece of a yoga practice, in my opinion, is that it doesn't end after your class/practice. When you step off the safe space of your mat, is when your real yoga practice begins. After your practice of savasana, be intentional about drawing some of the energy and benefits of this pose into your life off your mat - taking both the activity of conscious relaxation and the benefits into other areas of your life.

Namaste,
Sandy

"In correct savasana there is minimum wastage of energy and maximum recuperation. It refreshes the whole being, making one dynamic and creative. It banishes fear of death and creates fearlessness. The sadhaka experiences a state of serenity and inner oneness." page 254 (Sadhaka - A seeker, an aspirant)

Reference
Light on Pranayama: The Yogic Art of Breathing by B.K.S Iyengar

0 Comments

Savasana is a Practice

6/29/2018

1 Comment

I ended my last post in this series on savasana with this:

Regardless of what happens in savasana - you sleep, you cry, you think your head off - doing it with awareness and the intention to practice conscious relaxation is the most important part.

Practice being the key word.

Practice (verb), repeat action to improve: hone, study, discipline, habituate, iterate, polish, do again, become...

The benefits of savasana are more pronounced when you commit to it, and do it with dedication...making it a practice, not just a mechanical pose you do. Like any pose, if it is practiced you will learn more about it. Think about the first time you did downward dog, or think about the intricacies it would take to learn headstand. The care and attention taken for any yoga pose, must be present for every yoga pose. Savasana should be given the same attention.

Perhaps one of the biggest disservices we yoga teachers do to savasana is doing it without much instruction or guidance about how to BE in the pose. Often, savasana is done as a short pose at the end of a class, where it feels like an afterthought, or cool down period at the end of a workout. Even worse, some classes skip it entirely. And yet, savasana is the one pose that highlights and embodies the true heart and purpose of yoga, and therefore, arguably the most important pose.

Scholastic knowledge about the pose isn't enough - it needs to be experienced. Experienced repeatedly, under many conditions, in many frames-of-mind and body and with an air of discipline. This practice will change your experience, until it becomes more than just another pose, and develops into a way of being.

What is there to practice?

Practice being still: In savasana the body is passive and still. Ensuring the body is comfortable, balanced, and stable is a good starting point. Then, notice any fidgeting and distractions that arise in the body. Practice managing these with awareness and focus, eventually the body will be silenced (effortless stillness that expands into the mind). From there,

Practice turning the senses inward: This is the fifth of the eight limbs of yoga - pratyahara - the inward turning of the senses. Our senses are constantly stimulated. In savasana you practice softening the senses, so you are less distracted by your external environtment and more focused internally. For example, practice: closing your eyes by relaxing your eyelids over the eyeballs, keeping the ears quiet and receptive but not blocked, relaxing the jaw and resting the tongue as though you were sleeping, and relaxing the muscles and pores of the skin so the nerves held within are at rest. Soft senses mean less outer stimulation.

Practice focusing the mind: The element that makes savasana savasana and not just lying there, or sleeping, is the focus of the mind and alertness of the intellect. This takes HUGE amounts of practice because it's very normal and common for the mind to waver, race and think. In savasana, you practice focusing and concentrating the mind, learning how to bring stillness and silence to it. You are practicing cognitive awareness and flexibility.

Practice Emotional flexibility: It's common for emotion to arise in savasana. On your yoga mat is a relatively safe place to practice emotional awareness and release (instead of a room full of people at work, let's say), thereby developing emotional flexibility and resilience. Practicing on the mat, prepares you for practice off the mat, in real life when the going-gets-tough.

Practice not daydreaming or sleeping: Practice not sleeping or mentally checking out. Savasana involves engagement of the mind through focused attention and alertness. At first, daydreaming, mentally checking out, and sleeping can happen quickly. With repeated practice of maintaining alert attention, while relaxing the body, sleep will happen less frequently. Coincidentally though, the more you practice savasana, and the more your relaxation response becomes used to being activated, actual sleep at bedtime may improve.

"It is necessary to describe in great detail the technique for practicing savasana. However, a beginner need not be discouraged about mastering the details. When first learning to drive a car, he gets confused. Yet with help from an instructor he gradually learns to master the intricacies until they all become instinctive. It is the same with savasana, except that the working of the human body is more intricate than that of any car." - B.K.S. Iyengar, Light on Pranayama, page 234

Savasana may be uncomfortable at first. That is a good thing. Being taken out of your comfort zone when you have the time and space to dedicate to the moment is the best way to practice. Over time, you may become more aware of thought patterns, (eg. I'm stinking' thinking again...) or you may become more aware of how you embody emotion - your "tells" or signs of when you've reached an emotional limit, and you'll be able to slide into conscious relaxation more easily. With practice, these skills strengthen, are more easily accessible, and you can begin to use the skills in a wider variety of areas.

And to clarify - the goal of practicing savasana isn't to become "good at" it. The process of practicing prepares you to cultivate a sense of conscious relaxation, inner awareness, and alertness during difficult times and challenging states of mind/emotion. What you practice on the mat, is a tool for riding the waves off the mat.

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. - Jon Kabat-Zinn

If you need help learning how to drive your savasana car, consider my online program options...

My online yoga programs are an excellent way to experience and practice savasana. At the end of each video in the8-week online program, there is a long savasana with instruction about focusing the mind and dealing with emotion, followed by a period of silence. In fact, I start the classes with savasana as well...and often do it in between poses too.

The Mindful Relaxation guided audio practice, can be a helpful way to practice focusing the mind.

If you need some guidance and gentle, compassionate support in your own time and space, check them out.

I recently read a fantastic book called the Art of Stillness by Pico Iyer, which, although it's not a yoga book, the philosophy of "going nowhere" and practicing stillness was truly inspiring and a balm to our rapid-paced world.

I've mentioned this one before, but it really has the best information on savasana that I've seen anywhere...and entire chapter dedicated to this pose.

1 Comment

It's Actually Called Corpse Pose: Savasana, The Art and Science of Relaxation

6/10/2018

0 Comments

"By remaining motionless for some time and keeping the mind still while you are fully conscious, you learn to relax. This conscious relaxation invigorates and refreshes both body and mind. But it is much harder to keep the mind than the body still. Therefore, this apparently easy posture in one of the most difficult to master." B.K.S. Iyengar.

I started this post about savasana to be a short newsletter. Quickly, though, I realized that there is so much to this pose than it appears and my "short newsletter" has become multiple blog posts. How? You may ask. How can a pose that is 'just laying there' require so many words and explanations?

There are a few reasons for this:

There many misconceptions about savasana. It's importance is often skimmed over in a yoga class. By some savasana is seen as the boring part of a yoga class, by other's it's nap time. It's so much more than that.
In savasana, the practitioner is required to pay close attention to the body and mind, which one could argue is present in every yoga pose, but in savasana with the body being still and passive, the mind is more apt to run amok. For some, savasana is anxiety producing due to the influx of emotion and racing thoughts once the body becomes still.
Relaxation, on a broader scale, is elusive in our culture. In a society that won't stop talking and moving, we have become habitually tense and avoidant of situations that may cause an influx of emotion and racing thoughts.
Savasana is one pose that highlights and embodies the true heart and purpose of yoga. There is a lot to say about that...

I'll explore all of these reasons in this series, but I'll start with one of the primary misconceptions:

It's actually called Corpse Pose

This one may not be a misconception, but a misnomer. Calling savasana a relaxation pose is accurate, but 'relaxation' is not the direct translation of the word savasana and as such, it doesn’t really capture it’s entire meaning.

I am guilty of side-stepping this actual translation and purposefully calling it "Relaxation Pose." I do this because I am sensitive to the fact that it might be a trigger for some people in the grief support group, especially without more context about the deeper meaning of the name.

As with other aspects of grief and emotional awareness, authenticity and calling something what it actually is can be helpful. So I explored it, which is how this post came to be.

I found what B.K.S. Iyengar says about savasana in Light on Pranayama to be enlightening:

“Sava in Sanskrit means a corpse and asana a posture. Thus Savasana is a posture that simulates a dead body, and evokes the experience of remaining in a state as in death and of ending the heart-aches and the shocks that the flesh is heir to. It means relaxation, and therefore recuperation. It is not simply lying on one’s back with a vacant mind and gazing, nor does it end in snoring. It is the most difficult of yogic asanas to perfect, but it is also the most refreshing and rewarding.”

"Ending the heart-aches and shocks the the flesh is heir to."

I know that for myself, I was always oddly perplexed that I was doing 'corpse pose' when death was so front and centre in my life. The way I reconciled the name corpse pose with practicing it after a death, is that it was a practice of complete and total surrender (surrender: to cease resistant to).

I found it easy to cease resistance to the fatigue I felt in my body and to slip into the stillness and silence of savasana. Mentally surrendering to the reality that grief eradicated my life as I knew it felt congruent because so many parts of me died when Cam died. The hard part was the SURGE of emotion that would spontaneously arise, making the supposed-surrender all the more complex and at times seemingly impossible. It did not feel like 'relaxation' as suggested by the Iyengar in the quote above.

He says, "remaining in a state as in death and of ending the heart-aches and the shocks that the flesh is heir to." Before you can end the heart-aches and shocks (maybe 'live-well-with' is a better word than end?) you must experience them in a way that integrates the heart-ache and shock reality into our life. Feel it to heal it.

When Iyengar says "ending" the heart-aches and shocks" I don't think he means permanently ending. We are human after all, and of course, heart-aches and shocks will happen throughout life whether we want them to or not. I think he means that in between the surges of thought and emotions there are moments of complete and total stillness that are void of thought, emotion and suffering. It is in these moments that you can truly relax.

The practice of savasana is to cultivate the ability to stay conscious of everything that is going on within you so that you can learn how to extend those spaces of stillness a little longer each time. Becoming still in the body and witnessing the impermanence and flow of thoughts and emotions is the doorway to conscious relaxation. More broadly, savasana teaches you how to manage life's ups and downs with less reactivity and more equanimity.

Another way to look at corpse pose is seeing it as the conscious awareness of death, and how parts of you and your life "die" everyday, especially after a major loss. Savasana, as a daily (or often) practice is quite literally, the practice of dying everyday; letting go of what we can let go of (like the constant and sometimes unhelpful chatter of the mind, for example) and appreciating some of the deeper chords that link us to life (awareness of the preciousness and fragility of life and relationships).

At the end of savasana when you slowly begin to move your body and deepen your breath, you are symbolically "beginning again." This idea of continually re-opening or re-beginning is a major part of integrating your yoga practice into your life and feeling recuperated from it.

“We die a little every day and by degrees we’re reborn into different men, older men in the same clothes, with the same scars.”
― Mark Lawrence, King of Thorns

Regardless of what happens in savasana - you sleep, you cry, you think your head off - doing it with awareness and the intention to practice conscious relaxation is the most important part.

I hope you've enjoyed my take on corpse pose and I'd love to hear what you think. Feel free to comment below.

Stay tuned for the next post where I will look more deeply at savasana as a practice.

Through out this post I've referenced Light on Pranyama by B.K.S Iyengar. There is a wonderful chapter in the book on savasana and I recommend it as a resource.

Another one of my favourite books which looks at relaxation in a broader, more practical "off the mat" sense is Sabbath by Wayne Muller.

0 Comments

Book Review: Yoga of the Subtle Body by Tias Little

4/26/2018

0 Comments

"The practice of yoga, in fact, reveals that the body is in no way separate from the psychospiritual forces that animate it."

This is the book I've been waiting for.

Have you ever read a book where you didn't even know what you didn't know until you read it? Reading this book, Yoga of the Subtle Body, was like finding the last few puzzle pieces I'd been looking for...BUT, instead of completing my puzzle, it has "springboarded" me to go even deeper into my yoga practice.

The introduction starts with the question “What is the subtle body?” which is an excellent question. Indeed, what IS the subtle body?! He describes it as the fine, delicate, infinitesimally small, all-pervading psycho-spiritual force that transcends scientific rationale. (No wonder I had a hard time understanding it pre-book :) )

The neat thing about this book is that Tias unravels the complex and intricate aspects of the subtle body, while using our modern understanding of anatomy and physiology to anchor the teachings. There's more though. He weaves together wisdom from different practices, ages and disciplines including: classic Indian mythology, the chakra and nadis systems, the structural body, traditional Chinese medicine, craniosacral therapy and reflexology. He does a fantastic (and probably very hard) job at distilling and uniting all of this wisdom in one place.

An example of the interdisciplinary wisdom.

Spine and organs in foot reflexology. "In yoga postures, the forces applied to local regions of the foot generate referred movement into the pelvis, abdomen, neck and head." (page22)

Throughout the book, Tias includes gentle yoga, pranyama and meditation exercises that apply the mind-body principles he shares. These practices are not to be skimmed over, but to be slowly and deeply experienced, allowing the wisdom to absorb. He doesn't talk about asana as mechanical poses, but takes the reader much, much deeper into the felt and internal experience of the pose, and educates the reader on the vibrational, pranic and subtle aspects of the pose.

His writing is poetic and embodied - making this manual even more coveted in my opinion. As I was reading I could feel my inner body responding to his words. For example, "soak your awareness into your heartbeat the way rainwater soaks the ground after a storm," (page 185). It's in his use of language that he achieves his intention of inspiring the reader to look at their yoga practice in a new way.

“I believe that ultimately it is impossible to articulate the yogic experience in words. By articulating the body-mind connection through analogy and image (such as lifting the brain stem upward like the hood of a cobra), a direct experience of the sublte body becomes more palpabe. Metaphorical thinking allows for greater flexibility, imagination, and openness, all of which are integral to the mind in meditation.” (page 2)

I found this book very applicable to grief, because grief is a holistic experience that permeates all aspects of our being. It's impossible to outline all the ways this book could be supportive of grief, because everyone's experience is individual - but I can guarantee that there will be something that resonates with your experience. He writes about prana, the immeasurable source of life itself, as being impacted by the powerful effects of emotion (page 3). He writes about the gut and emotional distress. He describe the energy channels and meridians of the legs as being essential for grounding, which can be really helpful in the wake of loss and upheaval. One part that I found really interesting is the hand-lung-heart connection (see photo below).

Explanations like this has made me more aware of the subtle and intentional placement of my hands and fingers during poses to stimulate the meridians of the heart and lungs, which are hugely impacted by grief.

This review was difficult to write because of the amount of wisdom this book imparts, however, it's suffice to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. So much so, that I'm reading it a second time. No, reading is the wrong word. I'm experiencing it in my body as I go through it again. I plan to take a really, really long time, and (quite literally) take-in, everything I can.

Resources for further exploration...

You can pick up a copy of this book on Amazon Canada by clicking the link below, or visiting your favourite bookstore.

While I was reading this book, I was concurrently doing a series on Gaia called Shapeshift: Exploring Movement & Emotions with Ashleigh Sergeant. She is a student of Tias Little's and offers a great 7 week series that guides you through some of the practices outlined in the book. It was really interesting to combine the two. Highly recommend.

I'd also recommend Tias Little's website - https://www.prajnayoga.net
You can also find him on YouTube. Just search his name in the YouTube search bar, and you'll find lots.

READING GIVES US SOME PLACE TO GO WHEN WE HAVE TO STAY WHERE WE ARE. - MASON COOLEY

...and yoga, I'd say...

Namaste,
Sandy

0 Comments

April Fools and How it Led Me to Meditation

4/1/2018

0 Comments

We are always seeking contact with Heaven, but how many of us have made any reasonable contact with Mother Earth?” - BKS Iyengar

Today is April Fools day. It’s kind of a strange day, if you think about it. I love the family friendly shenanigans that some companies do. This morning, I got an email from Halfmoon Yoga Products, promoting a Mood Mat. This mat changes colour depending on your mood. Kind of like those hypercolor t-shirts everyone wore when I was in junior high school.

Amazed, I clicked the link, and was re-directed to a page that said, "April Fools! Sadly Mood Sensing Mat Technology is not yet available. We'll keep you posted because we think it would be pretty neat!"

No harm, no foul. I can laugh and say, “Good one, guys,” and it even feels good to be released from the tomfoolery, back into reality.
Nevertheless, with intense grief, everything can be a trigger. April Fool's included. Even though Cam died in June, not April, I remember feeling like I was the biggest April Fool who ever lived.

For many many months after, I felt like it had all been a cruel prank. One big joke. It had to be, because it couldn’t possibly be my life. I was desperate to wake up and be released from my worst nightmare. Instead, I woke up, punched in the stomach by my reality.  It was no prank. It was true. Cam died. Sometimes, after 12 years, I still can’t believe it.

Shock is weird. I remember some things so vividly from those early months, and in other ways I remember nothing. It was like I was living in a dream. Which, actually I preferred because my dreams were more believable than my real life.

I dreamt that I couldn’t find Cam. We were at a movie together, and then all of a sudden he was gone. I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t tell me where he was going. I couldn’t find a phone to call him.
Then my dreams shifted and I started dreaming he broke up with me. I didn’t know why and wanted to find him or call him to make things right. In one of those dreams, I actually found a phone and called him, only to wake up as soon as he answered.

My dreams, although distressing, were more rational, believable, and fixable than my waking reality. I wanted to live in dreamland. I'd have been happy if I didn't wake up. But, I did.

In my waking life, I did my best to live where Cam was - in the mystical and spiritual planes. I read books like, Talking to Heaven: A Mediums Message of Life After Death by James Van Praagh, and We Are Their Heaven: Why the Dead Never Leave Us by Allison DuBois. I found a medium in a nearby town and went to an appointment with her (which was amazing by the way, but maybe another post all together). Connecting with Cam in the realm of spirit even seemed more possible than believing he was dead. Being near him somehow was a balm to the thought of living without him in my personal earthy hell.

In these mediumship books they describe their process of connecting to the dead as one of quieting and opening the mind, while softening the senses and developing present moment focus. So, I signed up for a meditation class.
In our first class, as the instructor guided us to settle our minds, my emotions started to overflow. Desperately, my mind inserted mundane thoughts to keep the emotional release at bay: What color throw pillows should I buy? What color should I repaint the bathroom?

Those thoughts soon burnt themselves out and I was left with the gaping void of death and hating my life. I fought back tears the entire time, and then drove home hysterical. I thought going to meditation would make me feel better and it made me feel worse. I felt let down by something that I thought would be my saving grace.

That night, I emailed my cousin Richard and his girlfriend Tammy who had established meditation practices. This was part of their response:

When we sit in meditation, what is in our truest core self will start to arise. Allow your pain to come through as tears and you will be softened by it and transformed by it. Eventually the tears will run dry, and a deep inner silence will follow. Then you will be able to meditate without the intense emotion coming up, but until then allow this process. Be with yourself. Don’t be self conscious about your emotion. What you resist persists. You have to feel it to heal it.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, this laid the foundation of my future work using meditation and yoga to live with loss. Understanding how to deal with emotion while meditating was both the keystone  in my process as well as a grand paradox: you have to move toward the pain to heal it.

It seems counter intuitive to knowingly move towards such intense pain (especially when the cultural norm is to move away from pain - to hurry it, get over it, find closure, not live in the past and get back to normal), but moving towards the pain is the practice. It’s not to escape, or disconnect, or distract, but to become embodied and connect more deeply. This is the gift and the challenge of meditation.

My inner landscape of grief wasn’t as treacherous, the more I navigated the terrain. Ironically, the more I connected with my feelings of the loss of Cam, the more present he was in my life - spiritually, emotionally and cognitively. I was developing my own beliefs around his death, and how to continue living well while missing him.

I never became able to connect with Cam’s spirit in the way a medium would/could, but was more comfortable and self-assured searching for, and coming to answers to my questions within myself…but maybe this is connection to spirit…my spirit.

EASTER MORNING IN WALES
A garden inside me, unknown, secret,
neglected for years,
the layers of its soil deep and thick.
Trees in the corners with branching arms
and the tangled briars like broken nets.
Sunrise through the misted orchard,
morning sun turns silver on the pointed twigs,
I have woken from the sleep of ages and I am not sure
if I am really seeing, or dreaming,
or simply astonished
walking towards sunrise
to have stumbled into the garden
where the stone was rolled from the tomb of longing.
EASTER MORNING IN WALES
From RIVER FLOW: New and Selected Poems, Many Rivers Press

It’s not just the tincture of time that heals grief, it’s the conscious opening to our pain, in safe and supportive environments that is healing.

This is a counter-culture way to approach grief in our mourning avoidant society.

What is needed for the bereaved is a container of education and support around the benefit of feeling emotion, while embarking on a meditation and yoga practice.

If you are looking for this support and sanctuary, please consider my 8 week online Yoga for Grief Support Program.

I developed this so people who cannot attend my in-person group can still benefit from the supportive benefits of yoga and meditation. Click below to find out more.

Online Program

0 Comments

Grief, Mourning and Yoga

3/21/2018

0 Comments

A new session of Yoga for Grief Support started this week, and at the first class, I always take the time to define some key words: Grief, Yoga and Mourning.

Yoga - A way to form connections with yourself in your mind, body and spirit. Another definition that I like is: "Yoga is the perfect opportunity to become curious about who you are." - Jason Crandell

Grief - Our internal, natural and organic response to loss. It encompasses everything we feel and think around the loss we have experienced - including our thoughts, emotions, physical symptoms (changes in sleep patterns, loss of appetite, nausea, achiness in limbs, chest pain)

Mourning - The shared experience of grief. Grief gone public. Or, bringing grief outside yourself.

Everyone grieves, but not everyone mourns. Grief has energy - you can feel it build up inside yourself, and perhaps you can also feel the release through crying, talking, writing it out. Grief without mourning is like a pressure cooker - it builds and builds. Grief needs to move and be expressed outside yourself. This is mourning.

In order to heal grief you must mourn....finding safe places, people and way to express your grief outside yourself. "Time heals" is a myth - it's what you do with your time that heals - authentic mourning is how you begin to heal - in your own way and your own time. In this class, we will use yoga as a way to explore our grief and learn about it. The more we can learn about our inner experience of loss/grief, the more we can understand it. The more we understand it, the more compassion we have for it. The more compassion we have, the more space we have within to heal it.

What I love about yoga is that yoga,
1. Invites you inside your mind and body in the spirit of exploration and acceptance (letting things be just as they are)
2. Teaches you strategies to support yourself. This may be through poses that feel comforting in your body, or by developing skills around understanding the nature of thoughts and emotions which can build resilience.

There are many other avenues of mourning. Some people talk their grief out. Write. Dance. Sing. Pray. Create. The list goes on. How do you mourn?

0 Comments

Living Your Questions

3/6/2018

2 Comments

I was listening to a podcast about Buddhism – which I have always found to be a complementary philosophy to yoga philosophy – especially around learning how to deal with suffering. There is something about these Eastern philosophies that I find peaceful – not because they have the answers, but because they confirm that life is made up of questions.

On this particular day I was listening to a podcast featuring Bernie Glassman. He was speaking about bearing witness and loving action.

The practice of bearing witness is to see all of the aspects of a situation
including your attachments and judgments.

What I love about Bernie Gassman’s talks, is that he goes in with no agenda – he speaks to whatever arises in the moment. He “bears witness” to the needs of the people he is speaking with…and goes from there. He started his talk by asking if anyone had any questions that had arisen from a talk he had given the previous day; encouraging the audience by relating the power of questions in the statement, “Questions have energy and answers do not.”

Oh, how I loved this statement. Questions have energy.

Answers stop the question. Complete it. Finish it. Answers are linear. Questions carry energy with them. Questions are circular and spiral, taking you deeper.

It made me think of living with grief, and all the questions that surround such a change in life. Especially because many of these questions have no answers: We may never know how or why our loved one died, we may never know what happens to the spirit after death (if anything), we don’t know moment to moment, day to day where our emotions will take us and how we will go one living with our loss.

So many questions…so few answers.

Hearing Bernie Glassman re-phrase these mysteries in such a way made me realize that maybe the answer is the question itself. There is power in not knowing and not having the answers. Perhaps this is what keeps us moving along.

As Wendell Barry says,

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
we have come to our real work, and when we no longer know which way to go,
we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.”

Part of journeying through grief is appreciating that this path you are on is one that has never been traveled before, by you or by anyone. The specifics of your grief are defined by innumerable personal variables: your personality traits, the traits and life of the person who died, the circumstances of their death, intricacies of your relationship to them, etcetera, etcetera. Considering all these factors, it is suffice to say that there is no one way to grieve. There is no definitive road map, no to-do list, no checklist to refer to.

Simply being on the path creates your path. It’s the questions that guide you on your way.

Michael Leung - poet and artist

How do questions like these land within you:
“What happens when someone dies?”
"Why did this happen?"
“How am I going to bring myself comfort when I feel so torn up?”
“How am I going to choose to live my life in a way that feels meaningful and true based on my experiences?”

Can you ask these questions for the sake of the questions themselves? Can you bear witness to your questions, and be comfortable with not (yet or ever) knowing the answers?

In the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the fourth Niyama (ethical discipline, or rule-of-conduct) is Svadhyaya, which means self-study. Ancient yogis looked inside themselves for the answers to cosmic questions, and in fact, the sutra says “Study thy self, discover the divine.”

Yoga, as a holistic system allows this self-study to take place by turning your attention inward, developing concentration and single pointed inner focus, and observing the true nature of the mind. The physical and spiritual practice of yoga cultivates discernment, awareness, self-regulation and eventually union with your big-S-Self (the true self, Atman (inner self or soul), immense Consciousness, or divine within you).

But, before that happens, it is likely that your practice of inner yoga and self-study, will turn up even more questions…especially in the face of grief. The take home point is that your process of discovery must arise from within.

This philosophy of yoga can be applied each time you do a pose. Instead of becoming complacent with sequencing and the execution of certain poses, treat each pose as though it were the first time you were doing it. Practice becoming re-acquainted with your body and your mind in each moment - opening yourself up to the process and wisdom of studying and discovering yourself with non-judgemental and compassionate attention. If a question, query, or debate arises within you, practice breathing into it. Give the question a life of it’s own, by which the answer will eventually be lived.

In Letters to a Young Poet, Rilke says,

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”

And so, as you journey to the heart of your Self and the heart of your grief, trust in the nature of your questions to carry you forward, and backward – both of which are required as you integrate loss. This is not a sudden process - it’s a gradual process. A gradual awakening and evolution of understanding your own specific beliefs around death, life and living.

Namaste,
Sandy

If you're interested in reading more about the Yoga Sutra's of Patanjali or more by Rilke, check out these books below:

2 Comments

The Power of Music

2/19/2018

1 Comment

Recently I was driving with my 9 year old step son, Gabriel, and we were listening to my “Sandy’s Favourites” playlist on Spotify. This song came on:

“Ohhh, I love this song,” I said, as I turned up the volume. Gabriel is a musical kid – he can play the guitar and the drums. When he listens to music, he really listens. He’s recently began reading music, and often on our dog walks or drives we compose our own songs: The Mountains are Calling and I Have To Go Pee are two recent ones.

“Can you believe someone wrote this song, and is playing it on the piano?” I asked him.

I looked in the rear view mirror. He was quiet and had a look of total concentration on his face.

I wondered what his thoughts were, but didn’t press him for an answer.

We listened for a while longer, then he quietly asked, “Was he sad when he wrote it?"

“I think so,” I said. “It sounds sad, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“If he was sad when he wrote it then it’s pretty cool that he can show his sadness with music.”

“Yeah,” He said again.

I wondered how the song landed within him, and how he experienced this particular piece, knowing that for me, it often moved me to tears.

He’s a sensitive, insightful and stoic boy. Now, I’m no expert in child development, but I see him struggle to express his emotions with words. Heck, I see adults (myself included) have difficulty expressing my emotions with words. Yet somehow a three-minute piece of music can say so much.

Maybe that’s because music is inherently complex with it’s notes, melodies, tempos and pauses. Perhaps that taps into the complexities of our emotions that are too complex to adequately relate with the structure and limitations of a few words. And maybe this is true of all modes of non-verbal expression - art, dance, tears, movement, yoga - it somehow captures more; more broadly, more deeply, more wholly…more something.

These avenues of expression are multifaceted. Yoga for example, has a dual relationship with emotion. It can both reflect it and release it.

There have been many times that my mood or emotion dictates my yoga practice: a supported child’s pose, or prone savanasa to help soothe me or turn my attention inward.

Supported Child's Pose

Prone Savasana

Conversely a more vigorous practice reflects my inner energy, whether it was heightened from adequate rest or agitation. Both the intention and the movement of the practice aligned with my mood, and in that way was an expression of it.

There have also been times when my yoga practice released emotion. Slowing down and paying attention to myself, combined with movement, releases energy and emotion. Sometimes I feel it building, and have to intentionally let it release. Sometimes it comes out of now where and takes me by surprise. Twists seem to do it for me, or during savasana when emotion hits a rolling boil and spills over. That release is an expression of something so complex that I can’t even describe it with words.

What about you?

What has been your experience with the expression of emotion that is beyond/outside/in addition to words?

If you’re curious about exploring this more in your own personal yoga practice, consider signing up for my 8 week online yoga program: a holistic and practical program designed to use yoga in a way that supports, reflects, and moves grief.

Online Practice

And, if you want to explore some of the music I use, you can find it on Spotify.

Yoga for Grief Support on Spotify

1 Comment

The Making Of A Yoga Video

6/28/2017

2 Comments

Well THAT took a long time!

Last winter I signed up for an online course with Abbey Of The Arts. Within moments of registering and starting the course, I knew that the platform they used for their online experience (Ruzuku.com), would work for my vision of an online Yoga For Grief Support program. What I had spent years contemplating finally looked possible.

I bought a high-def camcorder at Costco, and a tripod from Amazon, googled tips on recording yoga videos, Garageband tutorials for audio, and Imovie for editing. I was ready.

I started filming in January. I took a couple of days off work and spend an extra long weekend at my parent's place, recording in their lovely sun room. Making these videos wouldn't be as much fun if it weren't for Ruby my not-so-helpful, helpful assistant.

I thought I'd be ready to launch the series in March...ha!

In February I took a week off work to edit the audio and video, and splice them together. I loved having a dedicated week of working on my labour-of-love interspersed with dog walks and coffee breaks.

Well into March, I was trying to figure out all the extra tid bits; linking the program to my website, integrating Paypal and a mailing list etc. Videographer turned IT Department of one.

April and May were spend editing all the written content and uploading videos...it takes quite a while to do both. Each video is around 2GB and that takes HOURS!

Long past my anticipated deadline of March, May and June were spent crossing my Ts and dotting my i's and adding little extra details like this blog post, figuring out a wavier, and insurance requirements.

Now, here we are at the end of June and I'm in the last stages of production - testing all the links and the purchase process.

Coincidentally, I'm ready to launch today, on Wednesday June 28th 2017. This wasn't consciously planned, but it worked out well because today is a very significant day.

It was Wednesday June 28 2006 that Cam's life support was turned off, and my life changed it's course forever. I'll never forget 9:25am...I looked at the clock moments after the respiratory therapist pressed "silence" on the life support machine and Cam Michael McTaggart died.

I wanted to launch this in honour of him and me. This program wouldn't be in existence without him.

To learn more about the online program, click here.