How To Be Gentle With Yourself

​Have you ever heard or said, "be gentle with yourself?" I know I have...

I wanted to write about the intricacies of this statement...

In my yoga groups, through my newsletter and on this blog, you've probably heard me talk about how our society is grief illiterate and emotion phobic. We, the bereaved, are constantly surrounded by messages of "toughening up" and encouraged to "get on with life." We receive messages that push us to ignore our emotions ("crying isn't going to bring him back"), and rally against our instincts ("you can't grieve forever").

There are so many "shoulds" in our society - you should drink 8 glasses of water a day, you should do yoga, you should be productive, you should exercise, you should rest, you should, you should, you should. There is so much pressure to perform a certain way, and with a lot of judgement around how that turns out. 

Now layer on grief; Acute grief is so destabilizing that you don't even have the brain power or emotional space to consider a state like gentleness. You're in survival mode, and it can feel anything but gentle.

All this to to say:  If you find the concept of "being gentle with yourself" challenging, those might be some of the reasons why.

Living with grief is hard. It's mentally and socially challenging. You'll have difficult thoughts ("if only" thoughts, and "would have, should have, could have" thoughts, guilt and anger thoughts and emotions), and learning to live in a post-loss world can be like learning to walk again. You'll fall down a lot. It takes a ton of self-grace, self-compassion, self-space and self-patience to navigate life after loss. Being gentle with yourself puts this grace, compassion, space and patience into action. It helps you to make choices and decisions that are aligned with your "grief needs." 

In one of my yoga groups this month, we explored how "being gentle with yourself" happens in the real world.  Here are some of the take-aways:

• Not judging difficult thoughts and feelings. Allow them to come and go.
• Giving yourself ample space and time to _____ (do what it is you need/want to do)
• Speaking kindly to yourself
• Giving yourself permission to do what brings you joy
• Allowing your sense of joy to change over time
• Being flexible and adaptable 
• Acknowledging small accomplishments
• Praising yourself 
• Being patient with yourself: "right now it's like this." 
• Letting go of timelines related to healing and grief
• Recognizing your individuality and uniqueness
• Simplifying life
• Recognizing physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual limits
• Saying no
• Doing more of what you love
• Stop putting others first  (grief is a self-focused experience for good reason)
• Being forgiving towards yourself

How does all this relate to yoga?  Well, a holistic practice of yoga (i.e. one that is not just focused on the physical body, but on the mind, and on life!) increases self awareness and promotes loving action. With more self awareness it's more possible to make self-supportive choices and function from a place of grounded-response rather that reactive-reaction. This leads to more gentleness and compassion.

In the real world, being gentle with yourself can look like this: 

• Choosing to go to bed early, or choosing to stay up late
• Choosing to watch Netflix or choosing not to
• Choosing to watch the news, or choosing not to
• Resting or exercising
• Scrolling through Instagram to look at cute dog videos, or deleting social media from your phone
• Having a glass of water or having a glass of wine
• Hunkering down to finish a newsletter on time, or putting it off another few days (hypothetically speaking of course :))
• Saying no to a dinner invitation, saying yes to a dinner invitation
• Going on a trip even though it brings up fresh grief, not going on a trip because it brings up fresh grief

As you can see, "being gentle with yourself" can be anything! It all depends on context and if the action arises from a place of non-judgmental awareness and deep care for your self and your *present* (and ever changing) needs.

There's no "right" way to do this, there's only the way YOU need to do it right now. If that can be a gentle and loving way, it makes it more nurturing, tolerable and sustainable. 
 
I'd love to hear from you. What does being gentle mean to you, and how does it happen in your life?  How do your yoga practices help?  

* this blog post originally circulated in the Yoga for Grief Support March 2022 newsletter. To sign up to receive a monthly copy click here