As I wrote in Mindful Mind - we spend much of our mental time and energy trying to avoid or prevent pain and suffering. When it comes to our emotions however, we have to feel it to heal it. This is where the practice of mindfulness comes in.
Being mindful of our emotions can be extremely challenging because it can be counter intuitive to 'lean into' our pain. However, as Helen Keller said, "The only way to the other side is through," and this is true in grief - we must move to the heart of our pain to heal. It's helpful to understand the interplay between the mind and our emotions. Often, our experience of emotion is either triggered by a thought, or triggers a thought. A problem can arise when a feeling gets linked with a thought loop in the mind, which plays over and over again. When we think about a feeling we over identify with it, and get caught up in the story and become swept away by it. Being mindful is a more balanced approach of recognizing the feeling, being aware of how it feels in your body, and watching it transform and move through you. There is no need to explain it, change it or make it go away. Simply be with it, and connect with it as it is experienced in the body. For example, you may feel tension creeping into your shoulders, emptiness or queasiness in the stomach or a lump in your throat with tears in the eyes. This is how the emotions shows up in the body. Emotion actually comes from the latin root, with means "with movement." When we practice mindfulness we give our emotions space freedom and time to move through us. Emotions and feelings are meant to be felt. Being mindful reveals a natural rhythm to them, a natural ebb and flow. Periods of intensity followed by periods of reprieve - where everything is in a constant state of motion...a fluidity. This natural rhythm is how we dose ourselves with pain - sinking into the intensity at times and at other times moving way from it and resting. Tuning into this rhythm and honouring it is powerful self care. By understanding and experiencing that all emotions have movement and come to pass, we build trust in our ability to be resilient in the face of emotional suffering. One of the most powerful and supportive mantra's I have found for myself is "This too shall pass," which is reflected in this thought provoking quote by Neil Jordan: "I hoped that grief was similar to the other emotions. That it would end, the way happiness did. Or laughter."
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Our minds are what make us human....well that, and opposable thumbs. We use our minds to understand, remember, plan, rationalize, organize and logic-ize (and make up words). We use all these functions (and more) to solve our problems...and if we look at even the root of that - to avoid pain and to feel good. In our minds we rationalize and think, "_______ happened and I don't like it. How can I stop _______ to feel ______." In this process we develop habitual responses, automatic reactions and filter everything through the lenses from behind which we see the world. Our thoughts and our perceptions join forces. Overtime and with "practice" our thoughts become our beliefs.
Our society and culture focuses strongly on our minds and the power of our minds. We tend to believe that if we think it, it must be true....and if we want to be "better" we have to think more. I believe this creates a dichotomy where we believe the mind has ALL the answers. We become disjointed from the rest of our bodies and the wisdom that lies in us, beyond the mind - the wisdom of our bodies, our intuitions, our emotions. When we slow down and become mindful we take a step back from our habitual experience to gain perspective. Being mindful of the mind, we simply view our thoughts from a distance - from a witness perspective. We don't try to stop our thoughts, or empty our mind. On the contrary, we are deeply aware of the content of our thinking - yet we don't become enmeshed in it, we don't get carried away by it. We watch the activity of the mind from a curious, non-judgemental, witnessing perspective - we develop mindfulness around the true nature of the mind and the nature of our thoughts. We see the bigger picture of our minds. We begin to notice what thoughts may (or may not) serve our greater personal good. We may begin to realize thought patterns that dominate our experience (for example, anxious thoughts and worries) or perhaps you notice just how unaware you have been as to the content of the thoughts that dominate the internal world of your mind. In any case, being mindful of the mind is a very dynamic and engaged process. It takes concentration and awareness, compassion and a lack of judgement. It also takes patience - understanding that we never arrive at a mind that is empty and serene. We arrive with an awareness that we can create space in our minds to notice and to choose our thoughts, reactions and even beliefs. Taking the Victor Frankl quote one layer deeper, and understanding it as it applies to the nature of the mind: "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." Create space for your own freedom. Namaste, Sandy I've always been very inspired by the Buddhist teachings around Mindfulness. My introduction to meditation was down the mindfulness meditation path, and I've always believed in a seamless and natural bond between mindfulness and yoga. In coping with emotional intensity and grief, mindfulness is an extremely supportive and honouring practice.
In its most basic and broadest sense, mindfulness is the practice of tuning into our full experience, using all our own senses. With mindfulness our experience becomes richer, our senses broader, our mind more focused. Mindfulness is unique because it can be done as you go about your daily life - in fact, its probably practiced best this way - completely integrated into your daily experiences. You can turn any moment into a mini-mindfulness meditation by just slowing your movements down and paying attention. From where you are right now, just stop. Notice something near you - an object which you can pick up. Take a moment to just notice that object, and all its qualities - shape, color, texture. Notice yourself noticing it - the movement and tracking of your eyes, the tilt of your head, your breath. Now very slowly (very slowly) begin to reach your hand towards the object, using all your senses to tune into the full rich experience of simply reaching. Noticing things like the contraction and simultaneous lengthening of your are muscles, the movement and touch of your clothing agains your skin, the subtle ways your hand adjusts and positions itself to grasp. Include being mindful of thoughts and feelings as they arise - noticing them without judgement and with complete acceptance and awareness. Moving slowly and with awareness is the portal into minfulness. When we slow down we open ourselves up to new ways of experiencing each moment. The practice of mindfulness isn't to change anything, it's simply to expeirence if for what it is. Approach each moment with a fresh "beginners mind" and open perspective to an otherwise mundane and routine experience. It only takes a second or two to slow down, mid-day, mid-action, and practice mindfulness. A mini meditation to expand your inner awareness and create space for new ways of perceiving. Two great times to practice mindfulness are when walking, and when eating. In his book, Man's Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl said, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." Create space for your own freedom. Namaste, Sandy Stay tuned for part 2: Mindful Thoughts, and Part 3: Mindful Emotions. When I was asked to write this guest blog, I was honored and am still very honored. As a dance/movement therapist, I was excited to share from this perspective and advocate for the body's role in grief, mourning, and healing and then I let myself become caught up in expectations about having to write from this perspective. I thought I had to write the most poetic piece but through that journey the topic of this blog blossomed: permission. A topic that may seem so benign on the outside but in reality is important. Sometimes it is the journey that we find what is already naturally onside of us. To live authentically and in the continued interest of self disclosure, my intention is to not write the perfect post but rather speak from the heart and an embodied place in support of my own journey and your journey. The world may place many expectations on how we move through grief and bereavement. People may attempt to push someone to move on or present ideas meant to be helpful with well meaning intentions. Action is being advocated for and as a consequence a place to explore and move through one's own process is not given the space and freedom to develop. Everyone has their own way of expressing and journeying through their grief. We may feel it in our hearts, our stomachs, or our limbs. We may express our feelings through stillness, spoken words, written words, art, music, or dance. There is wisdom is what messages the body conveys about our grief and how we choose to convey our inner process. Trusting one's own process can be freeing. Our grief and healing process is our own and it is okay to go through one's own journey! Yes, I am saying that everyone has permission to be as you are in your process.I hereby give all of you permission to grieve, mourn, move, heal, and be who you are in your own process. Below I have included a blank form that you may find useful. Peace be with all of you. Kimberlee Bow, MA, R-DMT Kimberlee Bow obtained her Master’s in Somatic Counseling Psychology with a concentration in Dance/Movement Therapy. She obtained her R-DMT or Registered Dance/ Movement Therapist credentials by meeting the high standards that are required of the field. Dance/Movement Therapy is based on empirically supported evidence that the body, mind, and spirit are interconnected. A dance/movement therapist therefore uses movement in a psychotherapeutic manner to encourage emotional, cognitive, psychical, and social integration and growth. Dance/Movement Therapy is suited for individuals, groups, family, and couples and can be used with multiple different populations in many mental health or medical health settings. For more information please visit the American Dance Therapy Website. There, one can find more information about Dance/Movement Therapy, the organization, great resources, and access to a list of Dance/Movement Therapists in your area.
Kimberlee Bow works in Colorado in a private practice with children and families. Additionally, she brings Dance/Movement Therapy to elder groups, veterans, at-risk youth, support groups, intergenerational groups, and continues to expand her work. Her website, www.kimberleebow.com, is currently under construction, but will up soon. For more information please email Kimberlee and she will be happy to answer questions. I've been sad lately. My heart is heavy. My emotions are just beneath the surface and I'm finding it hard to balance releasing them, and controlling them....there never seems an appropriate time to do either. Maybe it's the long dark nights, maybe it's the Christmas season....I feel like I need to retreat into myself. Earlier this week I nurtured myself with a gentle restorative yoga practice. I write "supports" because it holds you up where you are at. It's not a magical cure, nor is it a potent elixir of joy. It's simply being as your are and doing what feels supportive and comforting. When I ended my practice I didn't feel magically cured of my sorrow, but I felt cared for, empowered that I did something for myself, more relaxed and less tense, my mind felt calmer and more creative and I could breathe deeper. I wanted to share it here as an example of how yoga supports grief - for you to try and/or share with others who may benefit. I try to make the physical space as comforting and relaxing as possible: dim lighting, candles, heat lamp (I live in Canada and it's December - this is a MUST), no distractions (ringers off). I decided to not play music. Sometimes I do, but for this practice I felt like silence was the best. For the practice itself I used the following items:
If you don't have a bolster, you can fold a thick blanket to make one. I would fold the blanket like an accordion, so it is 3 folds high and has some thickness to it. If you want something a little thicker, you could also use a bedroom pillow that is rolled (lengthwise, so it is as long as possible) and wrapped with a towel to keep it together. Another option is to use a rolled yoga mat. I used a bolster from Halfmoon. The intention of this practice was to allow whatever arises emotionally to be felt and experienced as it moved through me. This includes all emotions - sadness, anxiousness, relaxation, contentment...the whole spectrum. You can hold each pose for as long as you wish. I moved from one to the other when I felt it was time - when my body and mind said "I want to move now." In each pose I focused on breathing - full deep breaths that create space (literally and figuratively) for whatever I was feeling. With each breath I imagined my body opening from the inside out, unlocking doors in my heart, and accepting ALL my emotions just as they were - without changing them, or pushing them away. Creating space to hold up the complexity of it all. I started in prone savasana. I chose this pose because it is very soothing. I was feeling vulnerable and exposed, and being in this position feels protective and calming. I positioned myself on my stomach on the bolster - the bolster isn't pressing into my throat, but comfortably between my breast bone and my pelvis. I adjusted my legs and arms so they can easily relax on either side of the bolster. My head is supported on a foam block (or pillow) so my neck feels long and relaxed. I like to cover myself with a blanket to feel even more secure and cocooned in this pose. I focused on feeling the expansion in my lungs and back as I breathed in this position. With each in-breath I felt the space grow bigger and with each out-breath I relaxed my body. Paying attention to whatever feelings were present, as well as any sensations I felt - like heaviness in my limbs as they relaxed, subtle vibrations, soothing heat from the blanket etc. I witness and watched as the sensations and feelings changed and moved through me. The emotion and vulnerability faded to a more relaxed and heavy state. When I felt like moving out of this position, I moved into a supported childs pose. In this position I continued to breathe into the back of my body - creating space for myself to just BE. In supported child's pose I turned my head to the left for a number of breaths and then to the right for about the same amount of time, to balance the muscles of the neck. From child's pose I moved into this supported twist. I began sitting beside the bolster (with it extending away from my body) with my legs folded beside me. Then I turned my torso so my front body was facing the bolster and I walked my hands forward lowering my body onto the bolster. I kept my head facing the same direction as my knees which is a less intense version of a twist. The other option is to turn your head the opposite direction of your knees to increase the intensity of the twist. In both of these supported twists I simply focused on breathing deeply - expanding on the in-breath and relaxing on the out-breath. I tried to staying mindful of what emotions arose, and how they were expressed in my body - for example anxiousness and an inability to fully let go expressed as clenching my leg muscles. I made a conscious effort to stay away from the story of the emotion, and instead, feel the emotion as it made itself present in my body, and witness it as it moved through me. Next, I layed on my back on the bolster in this supported variation of bridge pose. I started sitting on the bolster and positioning a yoga block where my feet will be (see photo). Then I laid back onto the bolster, wiggling around until the top (head end) of the bolster came to the lower corner of my shoulder blades. I lengthened my lower back by bending my knees and tucking my tailbone under, then straightened my legs and found the yoga blocks to support my feet. I continued to breathe and each inhalation I would try to expand my chest/heart. With each exhalation allowed my spine to cascade over the bolster so my shoulders would release with gravity towards the floor. Lastly, I removed all the props and stretched out flat on my mat for savasana. I covered myself with a blanket and covered my eyes with an eye pillow. I just laid here for a while and noticed what it felt like to lay flat on the floor. I took my time to surrender completely to nothing! When I felt ready to move, I slowly made my way to sitting. I ended with an impromptu prayer to myself. I joined my palms in front of my chest and mentally acknowledge and accepted all of my emotions, not needing to understand or have answers to them but just to let them have space within my being to be felt and expressed.
Namaste Sandy I am proud to announce that I have a relaxation CD for sale! I created this CD as an audible relaxation practice - that can be done in your own way and your own time. It's another way that I hope to bring the practice of yoga off the mat and into daily life. Savasana is the final relaxation pose in every yoga class - the act of complete and conscious surrender of the mind and body. I joke that this is the hardest pose in all of yoga - if you've ever had trouble falling asleep or relaxing you know what I mean. The body must relax in order for the mind to relax, and the mind must relax in order for the body to relax. Savasana is a holistic practice. Practice being the key word. It doesn't always come easily. However, as with many tools we have in our "toolbox of life," conscious and mindful relaxation is something we can learn and cultivate with practice. This CD is about an hour long, and made up of 3 separate tracks which are about 20 minutes each. It can be done as an hour long relaxation session, or you can choose one of the three 20 minute practices. The tracks are guided relaxation, so you just have to turn on the CD, lay down and follow the voice guided instructions. The benefits of relaxation run deep. It is the natural antidote to stress, and further to that, the antidote to the effects stress has on the body and mind. Relaxation lowers the heart rate, and blood pressure. It slows and deepens the breath. It has an synergistic effect on the nervous system - balancing out the sympathetic (fight or flight) and the parasympathetic (rest and restore) nervous systems. This leads to improved sleep, better immune function, improved digestion, and higher energy levels. It can also help to decrease feelings of anxiety and panic, and increase feelings of clarity and creativity. In a society where stress runs rampant, and in lives where loss creates high levels of prolonged stress, relaxation is an invaluable tool. You can find the CD to purchase here. Or just click on "store" tab above. The CD can be purchased as an MP3 file for 9.99 or you can purchase the compact disc for 14.95 plus shipping fees. "Light be the earth upon you, lightly rest." - Euripides (484 BC - 406 BC), Alcestis, 438 B.C. Namaste, Sandy I have been searching everywhere for this piece by Tanya Davis called "This Tear Is a Word."
It is so moving. So powerful. So TRUE! I can't embed the video straight to the blog, so you will have to click here to view it. What a week.
I have just finished a 4 day intensive course with Dr. Wolfelt. It was an amazing week. These retreats are just that - a re-treat away from my normal daily life and tasks. All our needs are taken care of here - warm, cozy beds, good food, any amenity you need. It is nice to come and dedicate 4 days to inspirational learning, being amongst wonderful people, and much needed self care. Reflecting upon the last 4 days, I am most humbled by the safety and security I found among a group of people who started off as strangers, but who quickly became friends. True heart friends. The unconditional love in our group was palpable. I cried, a lot. Even almost fainted once (that story is for a different time). Laughed. Cried some more. Laughed some more. Gave and received a lot of hugs and hand holds. Provided a listening ear, and shared my stories. Shared yoga. All of this under an umbrella of safety, truth, and unfolding of all of our own experiences. I will leave here with more understanding of myself, and more understanding of how to support life and death in others. For now, off to bed. I'm exhausted. "This is thy hour O soul, thy free flight into the wordless. Away from books, away from art, the day erased, the lesson done. The fully forth emerging, silent, gazing, pondering the themes thou lovest best. Night, sleep and the stars." – Walt Whitman (1819-1892) Namaste, Sandy This will just be a short post tonight, as I just got back from an Election Gala that was being held in the hotel, that we attended (OK, crashed might be a better description of our involvement)....which by the way, was very exciting and moving. The passion people exude (about anything, really) gives me the shivers and moves me to emotion. It was one of those nights - cheering, shouting, clapping...electric. We may have had a few beers - meeting the emotional tone of the room and all! Anyway, I'm exhausted - it's been an emotional day. Learning, reflecting, listening, sharing, feeling....it's a lot of work!
Today we talked about the importance and the practice of active listening and attending to what people are saying. Much of the details aside, we learnt and practiced these skills. Even though I knew that my partners were practicing skills associated with attentive, active and engaged listening and counselling, it sure felt good to be listened to! And, I mean really listened to - where it wasn't only about the content - but heard the emotion and deeper meaning. That in and of itself is healing. David Oxberg said, "Being listened to, is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference. It's that simple, and that challenging. Namaste, Sandy "A bereaved person's life is like a piece of paper upon which every passerby has the dangerous opportunity to leave a mark." - Alan Wolfelt
This is the quote on the top of the first page of the package we received for the 4 day intensive training I am currently taking in Fort Collins Colorado with Alan Wolfelt and the Center for Loss. I keep reading it over and over. It is SO (scarily) true. I suppose it's also the reason that I am taking my Grief Studies Certificate with Alan Wolfelt and the Center for Loss; I want to meld what I have learnt in my own heart through my own losses, with fundamental skills that will support, hold, and create space for others to grieve and mourn in their own way and their own time...in other words, I want to leave a positive mark on a bereaved person's grief and mourning experience(s). It's impossible to attend intensive retreats and trainings like this without attending to, and experiencing my own losses in new ways and at new depths. These weeks away are deep and inspiring. I am amongst a group of 24 heart-ful caregivers with such amazing gifts of compassion and service...I'm honoured to be here. I've been eagerly anticipating this course since the last one I attended in March 2012. I was reminded last night, in my attempt to get here, that there are things in life we cannot control. After flight delays, missed connections, and changed routes, I arrived a full 13 hours after I left my house. I don't think I really arrived mentally and emotionally, until this evening. I think parts of me were in Edmonton, Minneapolis, Phoenix, and Denver! I recognized this feeling of un-groundedness and cured it this afternoon with a walk amongst the trees, a 30 minute yoga practice, brief meditation and some journalling about my day. To celebrate arriving fully, I ordered a plate of hot wings and glass of wine from room service. Balance and moderation, right?! I hope to blog each day about my time here - reflections, insights, learnings, etc. For now, I'll end with saying that I hope I can leave marks upon people's lives that are supportive, encouraging and genuine...I also hope that I can take this time here in Colorado to receive support, and knowledge so I can spread it further and beyond! Namaste, Sandy |
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